If Only
by stargirl1856
Summary: They're grown, and living their lives out, but Hermione wishes she could have told Ron she loved him while she still had time... And now he's not hers.SONGFIC to Teardrops on my Guitar by Taylor Swift.


A/N: So yeah. This just kinda popped into my head one day after i heard this song. It was originally going to be an Inuyasha fanfic, about Kag/Inu/Kikyo (skanky bitch grrr) But it ended up being about Hermione and Ron... kinda AU but still in the wizarding world. It just doesn't follow the end of the 7th book. So...enjoy! (it's to the song Teardrops On My Guitar by Taylor Swift just so you kno!)

-Kittie 3 _  
_

* * *

If Only..._  
_

_Drew looks at me, I fake a smile so he won't see  
That I want and I'm needing everything that we should be_

Ron looked at me as he went to sit down by the fireplace, and I smiled as best I could, hoping he wouldn't catch the pain in my eyes from knowing that he wasn't mine, even after all these years. I wanted him to realize it, yet at the same time not.

We were all visiting the Weasley's. Since being out of school, and out of war, Harry and Ginny had married and were living a few miles out from London. Ron was working as an Auror, living in a small apartment in London. I was working with the ministry, and had a small part time job as a waitress in a muggle café. I lived in London too, not far from where Ron was in a little flat.

We didn't get around to Weasley's often, but when we did it was always bittersweet. I saw Harry, and Ginny, who was months into her first pregnancy and getting bigger every time I saw her, every once in a while when we met up in London, along with Ron. But I didn't see the rest of the family that sheltered me much of my young wizarding days. So when we visited then it felt good, but he was always around to remind me that I would never get what I wanted.

_I'll bet she's beautiful, that girl he talks about  
And she's got everything that I have to live without_

"So I hear you've met someone Ron," a graying Mrs. Weasley said raising her eyebrows and looking at him.

He blushed slightly and glared playfully at his little sister, knowing full well she told there mom about the girl he talked about whenever they got together. "Yeah, I've known her a while I guess. She works with me." He smiled faintly. "She's great."

I had heard a lot about her and tried to grin with the rest of the family, but the thought just wouldn't process. She had to be perfect. She needed to be, to be with him. Which is why I'd never be able to.

_Drew talks to me, I laugh cause it's so damn funny  
That I can't even see anyone when he's with me_

"So, Hermione," he said turning to me. "Have you met anyone that caught your eye in the Ministry?"

My breath caught in my throat a little and I shook my head. "They're all pricks. Not like you and Harry," I said.

He laughed and everything else faded into the background. He was the only thing that was there to me when he laughed, or when he smiled.

"I guess you never could find anyone just like us, could you?" he asked, his eyes sparkling.

I shook my head and grinned a little thinking back on my life growing up with the two idiots.

"I guess I've told you about Miranda…" he said.

_  
He says he's so in love, he's finally got it right,  
I wonder if he knows he's all I think about at night_

I nodded. He talked about her all the time at the café when he, Harry and Ginny visited.

"Yeah… I think I've got it right this time Hermione. She's everything I could ever want in a girl." He dropped his gaze a little and leaned forward. "I think I'm in love with her," he whispered.

I tried to keep my face from collapsing into itself. I had never heard that before. I always thought, hoped, that she was just a fancy. But I had always known she wasn't hadn't I?

I smiled weakly. "I'm glad for you. It's about time you found the right person…" I trailed off, wondering why he couldn't just look up and see me, the girl that thought about him every night, and had been there since day one… Why couldn't I be the right one? I'd loved him forever, and I never understood why _he_ couldn't understand it…

_He's the reason for the teardrops on my guitar  
The only thing that keeps me wishing on a wishing star  
He's the song in the car I keep singing, don't know why I do_

He was why I cried myself to sleep practically every time I lay down at night, and why I wish I could be someone else for a change. Someone he'd notice. I wish I was more than just his childhood friend who'd grown up with him. We'd been to hell and back together and he was to dense to realize that no matter what _I'd _be the one that never let him down. I cursed him for being so stupid, and yet loved him for it. I got mad at myself for being so in love, and yet I couldn't let go of him. I thought about him when I drove home, when I was at work and every time I saw him I just wanted to yell at him, and make him realize I hurt like hell to see him get away every time we said goodbye. But I always get him go anyway. I'm to afraid and I don't think I could ever be more that just a friend to him. I'd never be his Hermione. I'd always be 'that girl that I met at Hogwarts' or 'Hermione, the girl that helped me with my homework every night' Never what I wanted to be.

_  
Drew walks by me, can he tell that I can't breathe?  
And there he goes, so perfectly, the kind of flawless I wish I could be_

"Well I guess we better get going," Harry said hours later, standing and helping a very pregnant Ginny off the couch.

"Yeah, me to," Ron said, getting up and brushing past me, making it even harder for me to breath. I wasn't always like this, just ever since I stopped being around him every day I started to miss hi presence, and was surprised by it when he was there. He was perfect, to me at least, with the way his freckles slashed across his nose, and the way his hair was, and his voice, and everything about him. I wanted to match up to that, but he was way out of my league. He had been for a while.

"Bye guys," I called out, standing as well. Harry and Ginny came to hug me, smiling. I grinned back and waved goodbye. Turning around then I found Ron standing a few feet back staring at me.

"What?" I asked breathlessly.

He blinked. "Where's my hug?" he asked cheekily, walking over to me and crushing me in his arms.

I couldn't breath at all. I tried to hug him back, and tried to convey all the feelings I ever felt into the contact.

He pulled away, glancing at me and waving a little, before walking out the door.

_  
She'd better hold him tight, give him all her love  
Look in those beautiful eyes and know she's lucky cause_

I watched him drive off and wondered about his girl Miranda, and if she hugged him like that. She'd better give him what he deserves. If I couldn't have him, I at least wanted him to be happy, whoever he was with. She'd better make sure he knew she loved him and never let him get away.

I bet she was better at feelings than me… She probably speaks her mind, and knows what she wants, unlike me, even though I knew I wanted Ron for a while. I kept everything in though, the biggest mistake anyone could make. I hoped she knew she was the luckiest bitch in the world because she had the most wonderful guy anyone could wish for. The guy I wished I could have. The guy who was awkward and handsome, and funny, and stupid, and spellbinding, and…all hers. Ron…

_He's the reason for the teardrops on my guitar  
The only thing that keeps me wishing on a wishing star  
He's the song in the car I keep singing, don't know why I do_

_So I drive home alone, as I turn out the light  
I'll put his picture down and maybe  
Get some sleep tonight_

I left soon after, wanting to get home to my apartment before I started crying. I sang in my car on the way home, anything to keep my mind off Ron, anything to keep the demons away…wishing he was there to tell me it was okay and not to cry, but he wasn't and he'd never be. I was alone, as always.

When I finally got to my apartment I barely had time to shut the door before the sobbing started… I got ready to sleep crying the whole time.

I climbed into bed, sniffing and rolled over to turn out my lamp. My eyes locked on a picture of me and him a few years back one December. We were outside and out picture selves were laughing a rosy cheeked, throwing snow at each other playfully and smiling. I stared at it and turned the lamp off, disgusted with myself, and knowing that if I dwelled on that picture I'd never get to sleep…

_He's the reason for the teardrops on my guitar  
The only one who's got enough of me to break my heart  
He's the song in the car I keep singing, don't know why I do_

I couldn't sleep though. I never slept after seeing him. It was dangerous to be so in love. He was a danger, because I could already feel my heart cracking and he had just enough to make it break, and it looked like he was, without knowing it.

God how I wished I never knew him. He took up so much of my time, yet I knew there'd never be enough of him, He was all I needed to get lost in as if I wasn't already lost in him… He had me wrapped around his finger so tightly and he didn't know it. I wonder what it would be like if he did know that he was all I lived for, but wished so hard I could live without. What would it be like if he knew that he was all I dreamed about while wishing my dreams would be of anything but him? He tortured me, but he was innocent.

No matter where I went there he was, constantly in my mind. Yet he was never there. Not for real. Not quite. He'd never be there for real. I had to get used to that… and as much as I wanted to I couldn't. I loved him to much.

_  
He's the time taken up, but there's never enough  
And he's all that I need to fall into…_

I got up the next morning and went to the Ministry. I walked into the elevator, tired, my mind on Ron. It came to a stop a few floors up and a group of people walked in, one of them being a certain red head, Ron. The guy that kept me up thinking last night… He caught my eye and I smiled a little, wishing he was mine. But, of course, he'd never be…

_Drew looks at me, I fake a smile so he won't see…_

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A/N: So um... you like it? It's my first song fic... lol. I guess it's okay. Anyway review please! 

Luff yew-

Kittie 3 _  
_


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